I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
