I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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