i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
my liver is dry heaving
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
