like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
