Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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