im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
