I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
