You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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