Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
