Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
