when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
