As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
