A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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