I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
