a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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