I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
