my mouth tastes like poor choices
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
