it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
there is puke in my bra ... again
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