I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
