if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
