The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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