I have demons in me.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
