mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
