I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
