Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
