shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
