I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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