I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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