Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
