Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
