My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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