saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
