Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
