I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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