my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
