I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
