Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
