I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
