omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
