Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
