This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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