Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
