I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
