I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
