part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
