i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
