sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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