I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
