My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
