Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
